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Anger kills. It snuffs out our relationships with others, quenches the work of the Holy Spirit within our hearts, and is aptly described by Paul as a means by which the devil is given a foothold. Yet anger is often given free reign within groups of Christians. How can we obey the Bible’s command not to let the sun go down on our anger?

 

No More Excuses
Defusing the Dynamite of Anger
September 5, 2010

Glenn McDonald

Ephesians 4:25-32

What’s the best way to do a spiritual self-assessment? Should I undertake a personal inventory of how often I pray, or how many chapters of the Bible I have recently read, or how many days I’ve spent helping the poor, or how many hours I’ve been alone in the presence of God? All of those activities are richly significant. But not long ago I heard a respected Christian teacher suggest that the best way to determine whether I am walking well with God at this moment is to assess the degree to which I feel irritated.

Irritation is a warning sign that I am not experiencing the abundant life promised by Jesus. Last week, in our study of the book of Ephesians, the apostle Paul reminded us that God has given us a new life in Christ that we need to put on like a new set of clothes. But those clothes won’t fit unless we first take off the old clothes – the filthy rags – of the old life that is no longer worth living. Paul now wants us to take a long, hard look at those attitudes and practices that need to be peeled off. For if we choose to remain dressed in spiritual rags, the odds are high that we will experience irritation as a way of life.  

Let’s turn together to Ephesians 4:25-32. Throughout our series we’ve been standing during the reading of God’s Word. Today let’s remain in our seats. Let’s choose to speak these words slowly. What is God trying to teach us this morning? Whether reading from your own copy of Scripture, or looking up here at the screens, or reciting this text because you’ve already committed it to memory, let’s speak together the Word of God:

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  

Salvation is totally a work of God in which we are totally involved. Our task is to obey the Lord by taking off our old, God-resisting life, so we can put on the new life that Jesus made possible through his death on the cross. Exactly which worn-out old clothes have to disappear from our lives? The word “rags” can serve as an acronym for resentment, anxiety, greed, and superiority.

Resentment describes the bitterness and anger I feel concerning how my life is turning out.

Anxiety speaks to my ongoing experience of worry and fear.

Greed expresses my conviction that I don’t yet have what I need to be truly happy.

Superiority is what I feel when I compare myself to other people who are facing the same problems.

What do we notice about these four sinful attitudes, and the behaviors that Paul sets before us in our text? Because they are all about me, they all threaten my relationships with other people. They all compromise the spiritual health of the Body of Christ. And if I let fear, anger, and greed settle down into my spirit, I am never going to experience the love, joy, and peace that God alone provides. Oh, I may fake it for a while by putting on a happy face in front of other Christians. But essentially what I will feel, both inside and out, is disappointment and frustration.

The whole thrust of Ephesians chapter 4 is truth. How can we speak and live in such a way that God’s truth reigns in our hearts and therefore shines brightly out of our lives? Even though in today’s text Paul zeroes in on a number of practical issues, the matter to which he devotes most of his attention is anger. This morning we’re going to do the same.

The key verses are 26 and 27: “’In your anger do not sin’ [that’s a quote from Psalm 4:4]. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Paul is openly acknowledging that anger is inevitable. He doesn’t say, “If you ever happen to become angry, shame on you!” Instead he writes, “In your anger” – in other words, the next time anger presents itself, as it inevitably will – don’t let sin take over.  

First we need to understand what we’re talking about. What is anger? Anger is a common emotion. It is a chemical and physiological reaction to our displeasure that the world hasn’t turned out the way we wished. To put it simply, anger is disappointment. Dr. Paul Minirth further describes anger as the emotion of self-preservation. We experience anger when something of value has been lost or threatened or needs to be made right.  

Perhaps I feel that my personal dignity has been diminished. Or I am weary that no one is meeting my needs. Or I feel controlled by somebody else. Or something or someone I believe in has been trampled and needs to be vindicated. Anger frequently shows up in people who are suffering, who are stressed and overworked, or who feel afraid that they’re not going to receive the attention or the love they believe they need to survive.

So here’s the big question: Is anger good or bad? It all depends. Anger itself is morally neutral. It clearly is good and appropriate when it is linked to a reasonable issue and communicated in a proper manner. After all, in the Bible the sinless Son of God expresses anger on multiple occasions. Jesus turns over the tables of the money changers in the temple courts. He burns with anger at the hard-heartedness of the Pharisees. And the gospel of John even tells us that in the cemetery where his friend Lazarus has been buried, Jesus feels “deeply troubled.” John uses a Greek verb that connotes anger. God the Son is both mad and sad about the reality of death – just as we are.

Anger can be a very good thing – and specifically a godly thing. But in the hands and hearts of fallen human beings, anger frequently leads to disaster. That’s why Paul tells us to deal with it quickly. “Don’t let the sun go down while you’re still angry.”

For years I assumed that that was a verse for married couples or family members who have just had a fight. We should kiss and make up, or try to reach some kind of resolution, before we fall asleep. That’s good counsel. But the deep emotions underneath our conflicts don’t vanish just because we want them to go away. A husband should never turn to a wife, nor a wife to a husband, and say, “According to the National Weather Service the sun set five minutes ago. You’re not supposed to be angry any more!” Paul is reminding us, in a broad sense, that we need to deal with our anger quickly. Some of us have spent more than half a lifetime holding on to anger at a parent, or an ex-spouse, or a psychotic boss, or a friend who betrayed us. Paul says emphatically, “This is not the life to which you have been called.”

That’s easy for him to write. But how do we take off our anger and put on the things he points to in verse 32: kindness, compassion, and forgiveness? Essentially there are five ways that human beings can deal with anger. Theologians and counselors the world over agree that the first three are only going to drive our anger deeper and multiply our pain. But the last two are strategies that are calculated to grow our experience of God’s love and grace.

The first thing we can do with anger is suppress it. We can tell ourselves and tell the world that we never get angry. We don’t throw crockery, break pencils, or punch holes in walls. But nobody is fooled. Life in a fallen world is messy and disappointing, and anger and irritation at some level is inevitable – even if we don’t choose to own it. In the words of far too many children, “Mommy, why is Daddy so mean to us but so nice to the people at church?”

Consider the woman who has convinced herself that she must have perfection in her house. But since perfection in an imperfect world is an impossible dream, she will remain chronically angry. Perfectionists try to rise above the sin that is all around them with just one more effort or one more program. But all too often they end up without the love they’re really seeking or the forgiveness they really need – perhaps because they think they can get along well enough without either.

The best-known strategy for dealing with anger is to be openly aggressive. My needs are so important right now that I will try to get them met by running right over the top of you. Aggressively angry people may say out loud, “Am I irritated right now? I certainly am – and it’s your fault!” Samson is one of the most aggressive characters in the Bible. Chuck Swindoll points out that Samson was a lot like the cross-eyed javelin thrower: He didn’t set many records, but he sure kept the crowd awake. At one point after Samson takes out his fury on the Philistines, he announces, “I merely did to them what they did to me” (Judges 15:11).

Look again at what Paul says in verse 27: “Don’t give the devil a foothold.” Aggressive anger is like a Trojan horse. If we let it into our lives it will release all kinds of sins that will ultimately spiral out of control. Some years ago it was trendy to encourage people to “let their anger out,” perhaps by whacking each other with foam bats. But experience has shown that aggression breeds aggression. It doesn’t make anger disappear, and it fails to take into account the condition of our hearts.

Such aggressiveness can easily become a lifelong habit. It’s as addictive as chocolate, cigarettes, and shopping. We can put on the rags of anger so often that we don’t even notice them any more. As James warns us, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for human anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:20).

A third thing we can do with our anger is to be passively aggressive. I will be angry with you, but not let you know it. On the surface I may seem pleasant enough, but underneath I’m swimming in an ocean of irritation. By being passively aggressive I will try to control you and manipulate you – in other words, to get what I want at your expense – without being honest enough to admit how frustrated I really am. Hidden anger is always bad news.

The first three strategies for anger management do not promote the abundant life that Jesus promised. But we haven’t run out of options. For instance, we can express our anger assertively. This is not to be confused with option two. Aggressive anger doesn’t care if other people are diminished or crushed. Sometimes that’s even our sinful goal. Assertive anger, on the other hand, is an appropriate demand for change that always respects other people.

Years ago one of our children was out for the evening and failed to check in at the expected time. Hours later, when that child at last came home safe and sound (and apologetic), our response was a mixture of relief, love, and serious anger. “You will not do this ever again to your parents. Is that clear?” Because we cared for our child, anger led us to demand a change.

Here we return to Ephesians 4:15 and the call to speak the truth in love. As Chris Malott helped us understand two weeks ago, this means speaking God’s truth to each other in a respectful and encouraging way, not speaking my truth to you in a way that puts you back on your heels.

Throughout the Bible God repeatedly expresses his anger assertively. Because he loves us, he demands a change. That means no more injustice, idolatry, or unholiness in the lives of his people. And God surely wants followers of Jesus to express righteous anger concerning poverty, racism, lies, and abuse. That doesn’t mean we are ever empowered to trample or demean other people. As Paul reminds us, “In your anger do not sin.”

Our fifth and final option is the most challenging of all. We can choose to drop our anger. Once again God is our ultimate example. Jesus said from the cross, “Father, forgive them, for they are absolutely clueless as to what they are doing right now.” Forgiveness is the decision not to use our anger as a weapon to hurt those who have hurt us.

This strategy is on display when a man, for example, is able to come to terms with the fact that his parents have chosen not to love him. Instead of carrying a grudge he decides to forgive them and to redouble his efforts to be a better parent to his own children. Nelson Mandela was unjustly imprisoned in South Africa for 27 years because of his opposition to apartheid. His captors even issued him shorts instead of long trousers so they could mock him as a boy and not a man. But Mandela chose to call his prison “the University.” It was the place where he would learn to hate injustice but love those who stood against him. In the end even his guards were won over by his life.  

There’s a good reason why Paul waits until the end of the fourth chapter before taking up the matters of anger and forgiveness. He could never have started his letter by writing, “OK, all you angry people, that’s enough. Just get over it!” We have to have the foundation of everything that’s come before this point in Ephesians – especially God’s promises to us in chapters 1 and 2 – if we have any chance of dealing well with anger in a hurtful world.

Taking off the old life of anger and disappointment so I can put on the new life of compassion and kindness does not come down to an exercise of my will. I cannot say, “From this moment on I will never again hurt anyone with my anger,” and honestly expect to succeed. The will is very useful for certain kinds of specific decisions. I will pay my phone bill. I will get up when the alarm goes off. I will get into a Bible study this fall. But hearts aren’t changed through mere acts of the will, no matter how earnest we may be. Instead, hearts are transformed when we surrender to the power of the Holy Spirit. Here’s the exciting thing: My will really does become a difference-maker when I allow it bring me to the point of surrender – and bring me to the foot of the cross. When I say, “Jesus, I will let you change my heart by the power of the Spirit,” God’s work takes a huge leap forward in my life.

Anger management is ultimately a function of spiritual stability. Our anger leads to sin when, in panic and frustration, we wonder if our needs are ever going to be met. We wonder if we are actually loved and valued, and whether we need to do something about that right now. We wonder if the truth will win out in the end. That’s why it’s so powerful to memorize the first two chapters of Ephesians. We must anchor ourselves in those truths again and again – that we are called, chosen, predestined, forgiven, blessed, and adopted by our Father in heaven – so we can know the reality of deep spiritual security even in the midst of unruly emotions.

Paul says in verse 30, “Do not grieve the Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” What this means, in context, is that our RAGS – our unregulated expressions of resentment, anxiety, greed, and superiority – not only create havoc in the Body of Christ, but sadden the heart of God. It’s important to know that God isn’t so shocked and offended by our anger that he turns away from us. Just read the Psalms or the book of Job. Check out the emotional meltdowns of Moses and David. Some of God’s greatest servants turn their anger and irritation into gut-wrenching prayers. Don’t be afraid to share such feelings with God. He can handle them.  

Last winter I experienced multiple waves of anger. As ZPC was rocked by disagreements, people found themselves both delivering hurts and receiving wounds. And I was part of it all. I didn’t know what to do with what I was feeling. A pastor isn’t supposed to get publicly angry, right? So I suppressed it all. Night after night I let the sun go down on a boiling cauldron of unresolved emotions. I learned, by the way, that you can take two Tylenol PM at about 11 o’clock and still wake up at 3:00 a.m. staring at the ceiling and asking, “God, what is going on here, and why are you allowing this to happen?”

God allows turbulence so we will learn to trust in him – so we will grasp through personal experience that “going to the cross” with our sins isn’t some empty religious slogan. It’s the only way we will ever escape being sentenced to a life in which anger wins. Human anger nailed Jesus to the cross. Amazingly, it was on that same cross that Jesus died for all the ways we handle our anger poorly. He specifically died for my failures, and has given me the power this year to swap out my anger for love – if only one day at a time.

Our need to do such swapping is clear in verse 31, where Paul writes, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Notice that Paul doesn’t let any of us off the hook. Other people and circumstances will unquestionably stir up intense emotions in us. But we must never conclude, “I’m mad, and I simply have to stay mad, and it’s all because of other people.” If you trust Christ, then the Holy Spirit is transforming your heart right now. But it’s our responsibility to cooperate with the Spirit’s work by dealing with our anger in a God-pleasing way. No more excuses. After all, do we really think that hanging onto our anger will somehow make our lives richer?

A few years ago two passengers on a U.S. Airways flight from Philadelphia to Seattle talked an airline representative into letting them fly first class with a therapeutic companion pet – which in this case turned out to be a full-grown pig. Passengers described the 300-pound pig as “enormous, brown, angry, and honking.” At first he was seated across three seats in the front of the plane, but attendants had difficulty strapping him in. After takeoff he began to saunter through the cabin, rubbing his nose on people’s legs, begging for food, and trying to coax other passengers to stroke him.

When the plane landed, things quickly went from bad to worse. The pig raced up and down the economy class aisle, shrieking and squealing. People stood on their seats. It escaped inside the terminal and was finally captured in another part of the airport. When asked to comment on the story, US Airways spokesman David Castelveter said, “We can confirm that the pig traveled, and we can confirm that it will never happen again.”

When you think about it, that’s a pretty good starting point for confession and repentance. It happened, and it will never happen again – or at least it will happen less and less, by God’s grace and power, in this new life I am living. God commands us to take responsibility for how we relate to others. We cannot let our anger run hog wild. If we’ve expressed our emotions inappropriately, we are required to go to those we have hurt and ask for their forgiveness. And God assures us that we also can learn to forgive those who have wounded us.

But isn’t forgiveness the coward’s way out? Isn’t it just an option for the weak? Who are we kidding? Only the strong are able to forgive. Only those who are strong in God can embrace an authentic vision for healing and have sufficient inner resources to give up the strategy of self-protection. Forgiveness is not an absence of accountability. It’s a decision we make not to let past wrongs destroy present relationships. Since we are the most forgiven people in the world – forgiven by God – shouldn’t we be the most forgiving people in the world as well?

Last April, at a service of reconciliation here at ZPC, every one of us received a rock. Pastor John Gable challenged us: What are you going to do with that rock? Are you going to throw it? Are you going to hang on to it in case you need to use it later? Or will you lay down the rock of your anger, irritation or unforgiveness at the foot of the cross so Jesus can begin to heal your heart?